Are You Accidentally Sabotaging Your Conversations with Harsh Tone

In this episode, Ruth Hovsepian draws from Proverbs 31 to discuss the profound impact of words, particularly on Christian women. She emphasizes the importance of speaking with wisdom and kindness, the responsibility of our words in shaping relationships, and practical tips for improving communication. Ruth also shares biblical examples of women who used their words wisely and encourages listeners to reflect on their speech and its effects on others.

Takeaways:

• Words have lasting effects on relationships.
• Kindness in speech is essential for Christian women.
• Wisdom should guide our words and actions.
• We must be careful with our opinions and when to share them.
• Setting a positive tone at home influences family dynamics.
• Our speech reflects our character and values.
• Biblical examples show the power of wise words.
• Practical steps can improve our communication skills.
• Prayer can help us speak with grace and wisdom.
• We are responsible for the impact of our words on others.

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Transcript

Ruth Hovsepian (00:01.204)
Welcome to another episode of Out of the Darkness and I am your host Ruth Hovsepian. Recently I was asked to speak at a women's conference and the subject that they wanted to talk about were words.

Ruth Hovsepian (00:19.746)
Welcome back to another episode of Out of the Darkness. I'm your host Ruth Hovsepian. Recently, I was asked to speak at a conference and the verse that they picked was Proverbs 31: 26. Now I've spoken on that chapter before, The Virtuous Woman. You've probably read a book or two or more. You've watched videos, you've listened to podcasts. So I really wanted to do something different with that particular verse.

And I took a look at the word specifically of kindness and what that meant to us as Christian women or any woman that's listening and wants to really regulate the way they speak, what they say and how they say it. Now, for many of us, including me, I'm putting myself out there. It is difficult to regulate our words. We want to be authentic. We want to be...

You know, true to ourselves, all of that is great. But in the process of being true to ourselves and being, you know, ready to say what is meant to be said, we tend to hurt people and we tend to use words that have lasting effects, especially if you're a mother and a wife and you say things that will change the trajectory of your children's lives.

and the way your husband responds to you and reacts to you. Maybe you're not married, but you have friends and you wonder why certain people react to you in a certain way or they don't. So let's take a look at really Proverbs 31 verse 26. And it is, she opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Now,

Yeah, that's a tough one. That's a tough one for me. I don't know about you, but you know, as godly women, we are set apart by the way that we use our words. That is the first thing that we have to remember that if I'm a daughter of Christ and I want to emulate him, then I must be set apart with the words that I use and how I use them.

Ruth Hovsepian (02:46.902)
Really, God gives us really two guidelines for the words that we're called to speak. First of all, it says she opens her mouth with wisdom. Wow.

I don't know. That's a tough one. That is a tough one. I often feel I'm not wise. I'm 59 years old and I doubt my wisdom. I doubt it because of many different reasons, the mistakes I've made in the past and because oftentimes I'm told you're not very wise. Look what you did in the past. Look what you've done. Look at the decisions you're making. And that makes me second guess how wise I am.

yet when I sit at the feet of the Lord, if I cover myself

in what the Lord has said to me. I know that according to him, I can speak words of wisdom. And God really blesses us with the ability to develop our own unique perspectives and ideas we can share with others. Let's try and put aside what other people think of us and say of us. What does God say to us? He also gives us discernment.

That's a big one. He gives us discernment to know when our personal opinions are not necessarily what's needed. That's a tough one. Yep, it's tough. It's tough for me. Oftentimes I catch myself, bite my tongue because I know that I can say something in a certain situation, but is it the right time? Is it what that person really needs when they're telling me that they're struggling with me?

Ruth Hovsepian (04:35.458)
Do I need to spout out words of wisdom? No. And maybe those words of wisdom are really my opinion about something. And recently I was talking to a friend and they asked me something and I said, are you asking my opinion about this? I want to be sure. It may sound silly, but I oftentimes say it. Are you asking for my opinion? I don't want to give my opinion anymore in life without being asked for it, including.

with my children." So our words become pleasing to God and valuable to others when they come from the heart of our Father, the giver of all wisdom. Now let's take a look at the second portion of that verse and it says, teaching kindness is on her tongue.

Yeah, in order to battle the the human tendency to just spew out all our thoughts because that's what society tells us. Be true to yourselves. Listen, godly woman, you and I need to just cover ourselves in the Bible. Just fill ourselves with what the Bible tells us and the very thoughts and words of God. And then.

Passing along his instructions will bring blessing.

Yeah, take a moment to think about that. Are your words filled with wisdom and kindness? Here's a defining mark of a good and a bad woman. How do we talk? It really is. Our words really define who we are. Other things do too, but you know, what's the point of being successful? What's the point of

Ruth Hovsepian (06:28.278)
You know, having a good house, keeping a good house. You know, our children are polite and kind. We have a great career, but how do we talk? How do we address these people, these important people in our lives? What is our speech like? A virtuous woman is always careful, kind, and helpful with what we say. What I say should be what? Kind.

full of wisdom and helpful to the person I'm saying it to. Stop with the opinion. Stop with what you think is right. Is that what the Lord wants for this person or is that what you have done in your own life? And you think that that is important. Here's another one. That's a tough one. She seldom says anything harsh, negative or sarcastic. And I'm one to speak on that.

I have a sharp tongue. I can be very sarcastic. I have to watch it. And those that know me and have, you know, been friends with me for a while or have heard me speak, I have said this honestly and transparently getting out of bed. The first thing I pray, Lord hold my tongue because I know that my tongue can be sharp and hurtful and sarcastic. Often. I know.

So I need to learn to be gracious and keep my tongue in or seat so that I don't hurt anyone. need to know the right words for every occasion. Let's go through actually what the Bible says about our words and how we should control it and what we should say. So I wrote some stuff down. Bear with me if you're watching me and you see me looking down, it's because...

I don't want to miss any of my notes. And if you're listening to me, great. You don't have to look at, look at me. It says she knows the right words for every occasion. Proverbs 10: 32 and Proverbs 24 verse 26. How bad She would never sing songs to a heavy heart. Psalms 25: 20. How about this one? She has warnings for the unruly.

Ruth Hovsepian (08:50.766)
comfort for the feeble-minded, support for the weak, and patience toward all. That's first the Thessalonians 5.14. Here's another. Criticism is only when necessary and then only in a pinch. And then only with grace. Colossians 4 verse 6.

Her words, my words, and your words instruct others in pure faith and the gospel and direct them upward toward God. I think that if we stop and think about it, really think about it, is my conversation uplifting? Is my conversation bringing someone closer to the Lord? Is my conversation

Telling them about the gospel About the wonderful gift that we have been gifted salvation Or am I using it for all kinds of other things?

Ruth Hovsepian (10:02.7)
A woman who watches what she says is careful and cautious and only speaks after studying her answer to a question or situation. How many times have you caught yourself say something and regret it? Wow, I have more often than I'd like. And yeah, it could be hard to stop and think before we speak, but let me tell you, my sister, my friend,

It's harder to take back those words. It's impossible to take back the words. So choose your hard. Is it going to be hard to stop yourself from answering or are you going to say something and hurt someone? And that's from Proverbs 15 verse 28 and Proverbs chapter 18 verse 13. In Proverbs 29: 11, she only says,

what is needed and holds the rest in reserve. I take that to mean say what really absolutely needs to be said, but be careful and hold the rest for a time when the person you're speaking to can digest what you're saying.

Ruth Hovsepian (11:25.964)
Her words are appreciated, esteemed, and sought for. Wow.

because they always have value.

that makes you stop and think. Are my words appreciated, esteemed, and sought for? I don't know, makes me stop and ponder. I want that. I want my words to be valuable to someone, not nonsense.

Ruth Hovsepian (12:01.934)
How about Abigail?

In first Samuel chapter 25 verses 20 to 35, we see how Abigail used her words to defuse a great man with wise counsel. How about Priscilla? She helped convert a theologian, Apollos, to the truth. And that's in Acts chapter 18 verses 24 to 26.

Ruth Hovsepian (12:37.696)
Our words, our actions should always be gentle, kind, patient, sweet, thoughtful, respectful.

Proverbs 31 verses 10 to 25 and verses 27 to 29. In spite of her own abilities and accomplishments, she is wise and kind in her speech.

we shouldn't come across as critical, harsh, or impatient.

Ruth Hovsepian (13:21.206)
Yeah, I need to to put this into play in my own life. I I want to be able to lift people up. I want to lift the person who is discouraged up, praise you when others are criticizing you and remind you of things that you want to hear when you need them.

Ruth Hovsepian (13:47.724)
I should be able to lovingly flatter you to greater confidence and pleasure in life.

Ruth Hovsepian (13:56.876)
You know, I have children. I mean they're adults now, but they were young at one time. I was young at one time, inexperienced, going through a tough time in life through addiction, divorce.

And it is difficult. And I know that you as a mom struggle. You you're busy. You have a house to run. You have a family. You have you have maybe you're working outside of the home. And listen, those of you that stay home, you're working. Don't let society say that you are not working. If you're married, you have a husband to look after. You have in-laws, have parents, you have sisters and brothers and cousins. You have a lot going on. We all do.

But the way we speak to those that are closest to us, so let's narrow it down. I've always said and will always say that in your life, God comes first, your spouse comes second, and finally, your children in that order. And you may disagree with me and that's okay.

But I really believe that God should be first in your life and then your spouse and then your children. You set your children up for success and then you let them go. Your husband is there for life.

The way you send off your children in the morning, sets the tone for the rest of their day. The way you greet your husband, affects the way he treats you. And if you're a man listening to this, the way you treat your wife, will affect the rest of your day as well. And her. And her day actually.

Ruth Hovsepian (15:51.502)
Stop and think what your words are, the tone of your voice, the way you say it. How do you want to be spoken to?

You know, think about you've been out all day. You've been working. You're tired. You walk into the house. The kids have been home from school for a while, perhaps. Or you come home and you expect your wife to have cooked you a meal and the kids to be under control. And what you see is chaos as you walk in the door.

And your first inclination is, I've worked all day. I'm tired. Why can you not blah, blah? Without knowing what has been taking place under the roof of your home. You know, kids can have really rotten days as well.

check yourself before you walk in the door. My tendency when I used to come home with my kids was I used to take the bus. So I had time to decompress. If you drive, you have time to decompress, leave it in the car. Yell, scream, pound the dashboard, do whatever the heck you need to do. Leave it in the car. Don't bring in your work.

issues into the family? Is it fair to the rest of the family? You're tired? Well, so are they. Someone spoke harshly to you. Do you know if they've been spoken harshly to?

Ruth Hovsepian (17:31.01)
Just think about it.

Ruth Hovsepian (17:35.086)
Just think about it. You are taking.

the reality of your day and dumping it on someone else, when in fact they probably have had something going on too in their life.

And then we wonder why we have no peace in our homes or with our friends. It's because we're not bringing in the peace. Why is it the responsibility of the other person? Take it upon yourself. Use your words wisely.

If you speak to your children with harsh tones, could be something like, told you a hundred times, pick up your toys. You're only teaching your children to yell and to scream.

You come home and your wife says to you, you won't believe what Johnny has been doing today. And all you want to do is walk out that door.

Ruth Hovsepian (18:43.379)
It's tough, it's tough folks, I know it is. But each one of us is responsible for our response, our words, words of kindness, words of wisdom. If each one of us takes a look in the mirror.

Do you like what you see? Oftentimes I haven't because I know that my words were very critical or harsh or painful and had nothing to do with the person that I had let it go at. It had to do with something in my own life. Maybe I hated myself at that moment and I just lashed out at someone else.

Ruth Hovsepian (19:31.694)
You set the tone for your family. How does the morning start? Think about that. If you're rushing around and yelling and screaming before you leave out, you know, out the door to go to work and your kids are going to school, or maybe if you're an empty nester like me, yeah, that's a whole other thing. Who do I scream at? Just myself.

But truth be told and joking aside, how you set the day up is how your day will probably end. Because if you get up in the morning and you're rushed and you're late and you're pushing the kids along and your husband along and yelling at each other, that is the tone for the rest of your day. You go to work and you need to be smiley faced and happy and you do that to total strangers.

But your own family and your loved ones are getting the brunt of your tongue.

So watch what you say.

Ruth Hovsepian (20:36.674)
friend is your speech loud, loose or long? Is your personality overbearing or business-like? If overbearing, loud and strong, you need more help than other women. Talking about myself.

You may not even grasp what I'm saying because of your desire to speak, question, debate, correct, nag, criticize, complain, suggest, or jab. You measure your worth by how much you say.

But do you know the frustration and pain you caused to those around you?

Ruth Hovsepian (21:24.888)
Friend, if you are business-like or aloof with few words, you also have a problem.

For even your kind speech has an edge that makes people cringe. Loosen your face, smile, and warm up your speech to be less efficient and more affectionate. No one cares for your directness because they crave your graciousness. If your words are wise, you are half a virtuous woman, a complete woman,

also has a kind tongue and it is hearers opinions that count. Let me say that again. It is not your opinion that matters, but the one listening to you that does. So take stock of yourself. Do noble friends crave your presence? Are you well liked by good people?

If not, you likely have a sharp tongue and a hurtful mouth. What can you do about this problem?

Stop talking Let others ask for you to speak Take a look at what Proverbs chapter 17 verses 27 and 28 say about that Love reverence only say nice things period Colossians 4: 6 Friends as a Christian woman and man

Ruth Hovsepian (23:08.334)
It is your duty and privilege to rule your tongue for the glory of God and the praise of your masculine and feminine nature. know Proverbs 31 is about the virtuous woman, but this can apply to both men and women. If you are older, you are to avoid false accusing and pursue teaching

godly virtues. Titus chapter two, verse three. If you are younger, you are to avoid tattling and other indiscreet talking. Read first Timothy chapter five, verse 13, a wonderful reputation and the loving favor of others is a choice, an easy choice, according to proverbs 22 verse one,

And verse 11 in chapter four, verse 23, speak only wisely and kindly. Let me repeat that again and again and again in this episode, speak only wisely and kindly. If you're a mother, an aunt, teach your young women the importance of wise and gracious speech. Adopt it for yourself. And then.

Transfer it over to the young women in your own life. We are responsible for that. Teach them. It is more important than her academic education, her physical attractiveness or earning power. Words of wisdom and kindness.

Because why? It will bring the attention and honor of God.

Ruth Hovsepian (25:09.986)
Let give you some examples of women in the Bible that knew when to speak, how to speak, and what to say. Among them was Abigail. In 1 Samuel 25, she averted a slaughter with her diplomatic speech. She knew when to speak, how to say it.

How about Huldah, who delivered God's message to a king?

That's from 2 Kings chapter 22 verses 13 to 20. What about Mary Magdalene? She proclaimed Jesus' resurrection to the rest of his followers. John chapter 20:18 I'm especially inspired by Esther, who saved her people with her words.

She didn't rush in with her thoughts, nor did she stay silent out of fear there was a balance there. Instead, she paused and fasted for God's direction. She waited for just the right time to speak. Then, funny enough, she didn't stop speaking, even though her life was in danger until her people were

fully safe.

Ruth Hovsepian (26:42.294)
Esther left behind self-protective silence and followed God, allowing him to shape her words. In turn, he used her voice to redeem her people.

Ruth Hovsepian (27:01.237)
As Christian women, we desire to speak words of wisdom.

I again think what types of words would come out of her mouth.

They would be words that are in line with God's Word and useful for others to hear. To her children, her words would build up, encourage, and correct.

Ruth Hovsepian (27:33.196)
Her words would speak of God's goodness, His gift of salvation through Christ, and be words that speak grace to their souls.

Ruth Hovsepian (27:46.314)
out of her mouth would not come out cursing, filthy language, slander, or any other corrupt communication.

In Ephesians chapter 4 verse 29, it says, our word should be only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ruth Hovsepian (28:19.598)
Speaking kindly to others outside our home is easy to do. It is easy to put on a good face to others. Our true hearts are revealed by the way we speak to those within our homes, within our inner circle. The example before us in Proverbs 31 is when she speaks to give instruction. Kindness is on her tongue.

search your heart and let the Lord search your heart and do his work as this is in an area that usually needs much attention in our lives.

too many times. Our words to our children are sinful.

and we tend to overlook our sinful speech. We need to treat and talk to our children the way we would desire them to treat and talk to us.

Who is setting the example here?

Ruth Hovsepian (29:30.518)
Our words should be gracious and gentle within and outside our home. Practice using please, thank you, and will you forgive me?

Those are tough ladies. Take the time to pray before you respond to a difficult situation and talk to the Lord about it first. Take the time, sit fast, pray, listen. You can still be firm with your children when needed and gentle at the same time.

Matthew chapter 12: 34 reminds us that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. What is coming out of your heart? Are they words that speak life to others? One of the most important messages you can share with your children and those in your circle of influence is the gospel. There are no kinder words that can come from your mouth than those that bring eternal life.

Our Lord did not leave us to fend for ourselves in the most difficult areas of our lives. Why do I say this? Because He left us His Word. And if we are in Christ, we have His Holy Spirit within us to tame our tongues.

We will never reach perfection in this area of our lives while we are here on earth. That's a given. But as we continue to fill our hearts with God's word and yield to the Holy Spirit, he is faithful to continue to sanctify us and help us in this most difficult area of our lives to have victory.

Ruth Hovsepian (31:30.614)
Our words should be a reflection of our God's children.

And it should be a reflection that we are God's children.

We need to continue to value his words above all else.

Here are a couple of questions that I want you to think about as you interact with those around you.

Where can you stop speaking words of destruction? What relationship most needs that from you? How are you going to remind yourself?

Ruth Hovsepian (32:19.702)
And where can you begin speaking words that create this week? Who most needs you to speak encouragement to them?

Ruth Hovsepian (32:31.864)
Here are some simple and practical ways to speak with wisdom and kindness. Did you think I wasn't going to give you anything? Here we go. 1. praise the Lord before others, telling what he has done for you. Instead of complaining about your day-to-day life, praise the Lord in front of others. Know who to talk to about the situations and the mess you may be in, but to

Others praise the Lord. 2. ask questions. That's a tough one. Stop talking about yourself, but ask questions. What the Lord has been teaching them is a good one. How about what their favorite scripture passage is?

3. offer to pray for someone.

4. Pray and ask God to speak His words through you before you enter a conversation.

a tough one. 5. build up and encourage others in following Jesus and doing what he has called them to do. 6. be careful of what you type on social media as well as your verbal speech.

Ruth Hovsepian (34:00.392)
And finally, I'm going to give you some takeaways. Ask the Lord to speak his words of wisdom through you. Then be willing to say what he prompts you to say.

Ruth Hovsepian (34:15.926)
Second takeaway is speak with humility and kindness. And finally, don't gossip about others or complain about the inconveniences and challenges in your life. Instead, praise the Lord.

Ruth Hovsepian (34:37.87)
Friend I want to pray for you. A simple prayer.

to help you through this difficult transition maybe. I know that we all struggle with the words that come out of our mouths and our thoughts. Remember what Proverbs says that we are to speak with wisdom and kindness.

What are you going to do about that this week?

Ruth Hovsepian (35:12.352)
Lord, you are always at work to redeem and I want to be used by you. I give my words to you. Teach me to be a godly woman who speaks up in godly ways. In Jesus's name, amen.

Thank you for being here today. Share this episode if you think it can help someone else and subscribe and follow along so that you know when the next episode comes out. And a little secret, every Monday, a new episode of this podcast is out and I'm nearing 100 episodes and I cannot believe it's been almost two full years of coming out every week.

speaking to you. I want to thank you for encouraging me, for sending me your notes. Good ones and bad ones. I appreciate it. Leave your comments. Leave me your ideas down below and I'll answer those questions and I'll address anything that you put out there. I appreciate you. I love you. I'm praying for you. Until next time, God bless.