Out of the Darkness with Ruth Hovsepian

What Drives Women to Porn? SheRecovery Founder Crystal Renaud Day

• Ruth Hovsepian/Crystal Renaud Day • Season 1 • Episode 31

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Can you imagine what it's like to carry a burden in silence, feeling alone and helpless? Crystal Renaud Day, our guest for today, has been there. She's grappled with pornography addiction, encountered darkness, and emerged victorious, now dedicating her life to helping others overcome the same battle. Crystal, the driving force behind the ministry She Recovery, joins us to shed light on her personal journey toward liberation from addiction and her ongoing mission to empower others.



We also delve into a topic often brushed under the carpet - the urgency of conducting age-appropriate sex conversations with kids to safeguard them from premature exposure to pornography. Crystal, using her experiences as a teenager, emphasizes that it's not a gender-specific issue. Further in our discussion, we explore the healing process of recovery from pornography addiction, drawing hope and strength from Crystal's life stories and her transformative work via She Recovery. Open your hearts and minds as we navigate through these sensitive issues, and take inspiration from Crystal's journey of transformation and recovery.



Connect with Crystal Renaud Day:

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✔Website - sherecovery.com

✔Podcast - sherecoverypodcast.com

✔Merch - https://sherecovery.com/merch/



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Crystal Renaud Day:

was a 16 year old porn addict with the purity ring, so that was the reality in my upbringing. So I never really felt like shame about, like being a virgin, stay a virgin, but it was like a gift my parents wanted to give me. You know, you know, as a, you know we. This is what God desires for you, what we desire for you. We hope you desire it as well, but I did Like that's. What's funny about that is that I wanted to remain a virgin till I was married and yet I was watching porn and masturbating and all these things and sexual chatting online and you know all kinds of things that obviously were. They were that were not chased, you know that were not virtuous, and so I carried that ring, proudly carried my V card by virginity, but at the same time, in my mind, I was not a virgin. Let's just be clear about that.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Hi, I'm Ruth Hovsepian. welcome to the Out of the Darkness podcast, where we help you navigate life's trials based on faith and biblical truths. Today on Out of the Darkness, my guest is Crystal Renault Day, and we are talking about pornography and how we can overcome this addiction. She has an amazing story to tell and an even more amazing ministry that she has called she Recovery. Welcome, crystal, to Out of the Darkness. I am so glad that you are here today.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Thank you, Ruth, for having me. It's been a long time coming. I appreciate your patience.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Listen. When God has a purpose for us, we keep pushing for what he wants, it doesn't matter what else happens, and I thank you. I know you're still a bit under the weather and I appreciate you. You know plowing through it all and being here today, but this is a subject that we're looking in this full month I am anyway with my guests and that is pornography and sexual addiction and what happens to those of us that go through it or for anyone who goes through this. So tell us a little bit about what and where you are coming from in this world of pornography.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Yeah, well, I'm coming from personal experience. I'm coming from a as having been a woman who was addicted to pornography a young girl, actually exposed to the age of 10. It had an addiction and problem with it throughout my adolescence. But I also am coming from a place of wanting to help, wanting to help others to be able to be set free Others, meaning other women. That's my wheelhouse is really just focusing on women, really letting them understand they're not alone in their struggle and that there is hope for meaningful, lasting, long-term recovery.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Yeah, and I'm glad you said that, because I think that and the women that I've talked to and I'm sure you have come across many people that you have spoken to is this feeling of shame and aloneness that they deal with, that they have to overcome, feeling that they are isolated in this situation. What is it that you tell these women and young women, in many instances, right, that are still within that addiction of pornography or have worked themselves out of it I was going to say climbed their way out of it, but I thought it would be too dramatic, but I feel that sometimes we climb, yeah it is a climb.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Yeah, you're right, it is a climb. It was a climb for me as well, and I know that it is for many women. So what is it that you say to them? What to give them that encouragement to continue?

Crystal Renaud Day:

I think it's important that we look at recovery as not about perfection. I like to really say that recovery looks like progress. So if you're, if you are, you know, if you're higher out of the hole than you were when you started, that's progress. It's talking about it being a climb climbing the mountain, climbing out of a ditch, whatever it is. If you're further out of whatever you're climbing out of than when you started, that's progress and that's good. That's a good thing.

Crystal Renaud Day:

We are striving for perfection as Christians I know I am, but we're never going to get there in terms of our lives, because sin is sin and we are all subject to the sin nature. But we can get to that place where we're no longer led by our flesh. We're no longer led by that. Do we slip up? Do we mess up? Absolutely, but maybe we're not so much led by that anymore. Maybe our first instinct isn't to act out, maybe our first instinct isn't to watch porn, but to do something better, a better next step. And if that happens more often than not, then that's progress and that's what recovery looks like.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Yeah, and I want to give an encourage, a word of encouragement as well, to those listening, that it does get easier as the years go by. It's, it's a muscle memory, that's how I like to refer to it. Yeah, you know, we, we're training our memory, our mind, our reactions, to deal with triggers in a better, in a better way, because there are, there will always be, triggers for us. Right, there is something, and you're right, I, I found that the more I immersed myself in the word of God and the more I immersed myself into prayer and learning to distinguish the sounds of the world to the voice of the Holy Spirit.

Ruth Hovsepian:

It was, it is not. Was is easier, because I don't want to say that it's all in the past. I, you know, and I never understood that. To be honest, Crystal, and maybe you can, you know, touch on this as well is the fact that I had always heard, you know, those people coming through addictions saying I am a, you know, I am an addict working my way through it, or I'm a recovering addict, but you are always sort of working on it. You never become complacent with that, otherwise, I think that's when we stumble and fall.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Yeah, you know, I don't come from the philosophy of what's addict, always an addict, or to identify as an addict. That's the 12 step model is very much high on Crystal and I'm an addict.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Did I have an addiction? Absolutely Did I. But that was not who I am. That's my behavior. That's not who I am. That was not my identity.

Crystal Renaud Day:

And so I can say that I'm a sinner, because that is part of my identity is that I am a sinner, but I am a bloodbought daughter of Christ.

Crystal Renaud Day:

And so I am not just a sinner, I'm not just this, this bad, you know bad person I am. I am bought and paid for by Christ, and so I think it's really important that we don't sit in that mindset of addiction and I'm an addict and I have these problems. Because if you sit in that, that's why you're going to be triggered, that's why you're going to struggle, because you believe that's who you are and that you're going to mess up again. And will you mess up again? Maybe, but if you do, you are still a bloodbought daughter of Jesus Christ. You're free, we're still forgiven, you are still owned by God. So I think it's really important that we don't sit in the identity of addiction, but we sit in our identity as being daughters of Christ, and that's really how you're going to walk further in this journey and climb deeper out of this pit and just remember who you are is not what you do.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Yeah, we're new creatures in Christ. Yeah, I think that's what we have to remember. And that was a hard one for me as well, because I tended to in the beginning, really think of you know. I think it was the shame for me more than anything else. So once I overcame the shame and understood that my sins had been bought and paid for through the blood of Christ, it was easier for me to forgive myself in a way and to say I am no longer that person. Yeah, today I am a renewed person.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Now I know that you were introduced to pornography at a young age and today it is so prevalent in our children's lives and I would love to plaster warning signs all over people's homes and parents to be aware of what their children are exposed to, whether it's, you know, in a family, a family member's home, a friend's home, at school. How and what do you recommend that parents do, first and foremost to prevent, if they can, the introduction of pornography to young minds? And once they are introduced, what can they do to mediate what has taken place? Because I think you and I will both agree that our minds are rewired at that point as children, once we are introduced. So let's take the first part. How do we protect our children from this devastating, devastating change of life that happens, yeah.

Crystal Renaud Day:

I think the first thing and I'll just speak to all the parents, or even people who aren't parents yet listening to this is to understand that it's not just your sons. So let's start there Understand that it's not just your sons. Yeah, look at you and me.

Ruth Hovsepian:

We're both women.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Yes, so it's not just your sons. So if you think, if you have daughters or you have a daughter but you also have sons, don't just assume it's them that you're trying to protect, because my parents assumed I was not the one watching porn and so they did all the good things in the home to protect all of us, but I wasn't who they were looking for. I wasn't the one they were assuming was going to have a problem, and so really remember this is a genderless issue. This is not just boys, but it's boys and girls, and I think it starts with not safeguarding devices or safeguarding the home, or knowing where they're going and all that. It starts, honestly, with a sex conversation.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Yeah, because if I had a sex conversation which I hadn't had at 10 years old yet if I'd had a sex conversation in terms of biblical sexuality, what sex is intended to be, what sex is supposed to look like I would have known that when I found that magazine. That was not right, and so I think that it's not a porn conversation, it's a sex conversation, and this is largely what the church gets wrong. Obviously we don't talk about sex in the church, even though it's what God created for those who are married who experience pleasure and connection and intimacy. But we don't talk about that and so people like to think that, oh, my kid's too young to talk about sex with. But that's not true.

Crystal Renaud Day:

You can talk to your little little kids about sex in ways that are appropriate and obviously as they get older you elaborate on that conversation. But you have to talk about sex before any other porn conversation, any device lockdown, because they're not going to know why they can't look at these apps. They're not going to know why they can't access the internet by themselves. They need to understand that there are dangers. But part of that danger conversation first is the sex conversation, so that they ask you.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Sorry, let me ask you a question about this. I've talked about this on Out of the Darkness before and I've gotten some mixed reactions to it and that is this whole thing. So I'm a bit older than you, are way older than you, and back in the 70s and 80s there was this huge movement of this protecting your chastity until marriage, and you know they go through the ceremony of being given a ring to wear on their ring, and I had an issue with it back then because for some reason, it just struck me off when I was young. But as an adult, as a parent and as someone that has had to deal with sexual addiction no one really. I mean. They talked about how God wants you to remain a virgin until you got married Okay, well, nowadays and throughout history, we know how to get around remaining virgins, absolutely Okay.

Ruth Hovsepian:

So I just feel that we are not teaching, as you said, not having that conversation, that sex is more than penetration, more than this sexual act that we think about. There's so much more to it and we are doing a disservice to our children, to our children in the church. Let's talk about the children in the church first of all. Why is it that we are not open to this conversation, because then it becomes a generational issue. They grow up, they become teenagers, they become young married women, they have children. Now the cycle starts again. They don't know how to have a conversation. What do you think it is? I know what I would do and what I have done with my children, but what's your take on this?

Crystal Renaud Day:

Well, it's funny, I was a 16 year old porn addict with the purity ring, so that was the reality in my upbringing. So I never really felt like shame about like being a virgin, stay a virgin, but it was like a gift my parents wanted to give me you know as a.

Crystal Renaud Day:

You know this is what God desires for you, what we desire for you. We hope you desire it as well. But I did. But that's what's funny about that is that I wanted to remain a virgin till I was married, and yet I was watching porn and masturbating and all these things and and sexual chatting online and you know all kinds of things that obviously were. They were not chased, you know that, were not virtuous, and so I carried that ring, proudly carried my V card by virginity, but at the same time, in my mind I was not a virgin. Let's just be clear about that. Like, my mind was very impure, much more impure than a 16 year old girl having sex with her boyfriend. Like, let's, let's be real about that.

Ruth Hovsepian:

It was actually worse what I was doing than than that, and so I'm not sure what your, what your question is exactly in that, but well, how can we have, yeah, how can we have this conversation With our you know children to to show them the difference of of what we are telling them to do and what really we should be teaching them, and that is that you need to remain pure in all ways. It's not a physical thing, you know. And and then the why of it. Why do we have to do this? Why is the Bible, or why has God, told us to do it? Is it because he doesn't want us to have fun?

Crystal Renaud Day:

No, this whole thing is that sex is fun. Sex is really fun in the right context. Like God is all about it being pleasurable, fun, funny and he created us that way right.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Yeah, he designed us that way, yeah, and so I always say that parents who are talking to their children, especially age appropriate, so like you know when they're, when they're actually starting to think about watching, like having sex maybe, or that's you starting to worry about that, that age range I always say don't shy away from your own story, like, don't be ashamed of your own story. I think that parents have a really unique opportunity to say the why behind the behind. You know why we save ourselves from marriage because a lot of parents haven't, a lot of Christian parents haven't and didn't, and so I think that and or what had been watching porn and all kinds of things. And so I think, don't have shame about your own story. Allow your story to be an opportunity to tell that, to show them why and why it matters, not just vague, like the Bible says so and you know, and or try to give like really extreme examples of like what could happen, but like yeah it can be very like specific to you and what you went through.

Crystal Renaud Day:

I mean, I think, if I'm sure I should share this, but my, my mom wasn't a virgin when she got married. She married my dad, like she would you know, that was the man she had she had had sex with, but I didn't know that till a long time later.

Crystal Renaud Day:

It would have been and she regretted having, you know, broken that the vow she had made for her sexual purity having grown up in a Baptist church, you know, and all that, she had a lot of shame and a lot of guilt and it's like, if we can be honest about that, maybe wouldn't have as much shame and guilt, you know.

Crystal Renaud Day:

And so I think that if I'd heard her speak more human, you know, more real life, maybe I would have felt a little bit more comfortable sharing with her that I was struggling and that I needed support, and so I do think hearing our parent stories is our, is important for for for our development and for us to make wise choices, because we can actually hear from somebody that we know, who we trust, who we love, to tell us that they made the wrong choice. If they could go back, they would do it differently.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Yeah, yeah, I think that's very important. I think that that's a key there that parents need to share. I know that that a lot of times people want the parents want to remain, you know, sort of in a in a, in a good situation, you know, with their children, to look good in the eyes of their children and keep their respect and all that. But you know, I know with my own children when it was age appropriate, each one of them kind of developed at a different time the conversation was always on the table. Now, it could have been because I had. I, at the same time, was going through my own disaster of a life and you know, I didn't want my own children to experience what I was going through. So I age appropriately and I think that is the key thing age appropriately. I shared with my children what they needed to hear and one of the things that I told my children and I was not naive at all in this, so I was very pragmatic in it and I said to them for every person that you have a relationship with, a piece of your heart remains with that person, or a piece of you remains with that person. Obviously it's not a physical thing, but especially as emotionally, especially as women. I mean, there's the exception. There are men who are very emotional as well and will feel the same thing, but, as women, a part of us emotionally remains there. And I said to them what will happen when you one day meet the person that you will marry and you marry this person? How much of a whole person and how many, how much baggage are you bringing with you and what hangups will you have? And you know the comparisons that happen.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Now fast forward many years later, when my oldest daughter was engaged. They got engaged to get married. My amazing son-in-law lived about eight hours away, seven hours away from us, and it was difficult and my daughter would go there to visit and at a certain point you know, it was getting very expensive, she would stay at a hotel because of circumstances. And they got engaged and they said, okay, we'd like to get married. I think it was a year or two.

Ruth Hovsepian:

And I said to them yeah, that's not going to work out for you guys, this is going to be too difficult. You have, because they made a vow to each other each other as believers that they would honor their relationship and honor what God wanted them to do by waiting till they got married. And I said you cannot wait to get married because you are putting yourself in front of temptation. It's going to be very difficult, you know. So anyway they did, they did move up the wedding date and got married within four or five months of getting engaged. But I think we need to be, you know, cognizant of these things, you know, and not be naive about these things, that God made us such amazing people, you know, like our bodies, in such an amazing way, to to enjoy this, this relationship between a man and a woman in the, in the right environment, absolutely.

Crystal Renaud Day:

No, I absolutely agree, and from my own experience too. I mean, I met my husband when I was 32 years old. I had never really dated. I'd had my, my addiction, and I got run into recovery and then I worked for 10 years Like I just I just worked and did ministry. So I wanted to be married, but there was no one was asking me out. So but I met my husband when I was 32. And we I knew within the first month that we were going to get married. I wrote about it in my book dating done right, talking about our journey of, of of being single and then meeting him and then the engagement into marriage. But it's it's. It's funny because I knew like like fourth date one month in that we were going to get married and then by like, I met him in June, like October, we were engaged and by the following June we were married. So year to the day we met actually, but I would have married him in December.

Crystal Renaud Day:

You know, like I would have been a lot easier for us in terms of temptation, because we there was a longing for oneness, we wanted to be together, and so yeah, I talk about in the book, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't go all the way, but we went further than we should have, you know. And all of that just in terms of, like, what the boundaries are we had set. We went beyond those, you know. And not that we have regrets about that, we didn't do anything regrettable, but it was just beyond what we had said early on in our relationship. And I think if we had gotten married earlier would have been through so much trouble and you know there wouldn't have been, you know, difficulty and stress and all of that.

Ruth Hovsepian:

It would have been a lot easier if we had just gotten hitched, you know you know, I understand that, you know, and I think that's that's where I came from as a mom. You know, I really I knew that they would be. You know that. But why set yourself up for failure in another?

Crystal Renaud Day:

words you know.

Ruth Hovsepian:

I think they could have done it, but it would have been very difficult for them. So why do that? You know why not. They wanted to get married. There was nothing stopping them from getting married and they're they're happy with it A little bit, let's talk a little bit about the ministry that you have. I think this is an awesome organization that you have and it's called she Recovery and what it is that you are doing within this, because I love what you do. I follow you on social media that's how I found you because I had been following you and I love what you do and, honestly, I we need more more of crystals out there. Speaking, we do, yeah.

Crystal Renaud Day:

We do so. She Recovery was birthed many, many years ago. In fact, I think we think in terms of like, actually like doing something, in terms of like an online forum. It was 2009. At that point, we were called dirty girls ministries. We have rebranded since then, but and so we have been around for a long time and I think you were talking about this much, much we were recording about it or beforehand, but we're talking about COVID at some point today with you, yeah, and I think that, in a big way, covid was a huge influence on she Recovery in terms of women just being more comfortable with virtual services, just realizing, through the isolation of lockdown and everything else, that they really had a problem.

Crystal Renaud Day:

And so, while we've been around for a long time, it really was like the last three years we've seen the most growth in terms of women coming forward, and I think this might be two things. I think one I think more women are, more women are watching porn than they were before, but I also think that there is a better or a growing understanding that they're not alone and that there's there's help and there's resources available, and I know, when we started this ministry 14 years ago, that no one was talking about women in pornography and now today there are several different sub-sex of organizations and ministries that are talking about it, and you yourself are talking about it and you weren't talking about it 14 years ago. So we're just seeing a lot of growth. In that. I hope. I hope it's the latter. I hope it's that women are realizing that there's hope for them and that there's healing available, so they're coming forward and getting it.

Crystal Renaud Day:

I'd hate to think that there are more women watching porn today, but they probably are. But we come from it again from a place of that lasting and healing. Lasting recovery, meaningful recovery, is possible. Lasting recovery is possible and we do that through virtual meetings every day of the week. We have coaching and counseling services. We also just have our Facebook community, which is just stick your finger into recovery there and kind of see what it's like to not be alone. We have lots of resources available for women who are seeking support and healing.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Yeah, I think this is so important.

Ruth Hovsepian:

When you have support, when you're when you know that you have an addiction or you're trying to get over an addiction, it makes it easier to take those steps that you need to take to step away from that addiction.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Though that that oppression really of what it is and the shame of it right, I think We've said this before, I've said it it's the shame that really puts these, you know, puts these women into hiding right, because how do you admit what you're addicted to? And you're right, you know, even after all these years of different ministries being out there and talking about it even within the secular world, you know, talking about porn addiction it is people are still so surprised when they hear my story and I'm sure it's the same for you. And you know I'm very quickly asked to be on other people's podcasts and shows because they want to hear the story and it's. You know, I don't do it for recognition in that way. I just want to reach out and and tell that one woman that I can reach out to and say you're not alone, sister, I'm with you, I understand your pain, yeah.

Crystal Renaud Day:

And that's why I started it. I mean, we didn't talk about this yet. You know, I I was perfectly fine living in silence about my recovery and my story. I had had one lady who was my accountability partner. I'd gone to counseling, got went to therapy to get healing. Obviously, I surrendered it to the Lord in a significant way and I was perfectly fine never speaking about my story again. Like that was like thank you, jesus got the healing, let's move on.

Crystal Renaud Day:

You know, but I was on staff at a church in 2006 when it had come for that my pastor was having a long term affair with another staff member and this was really the catalytic event to where she recovery came from. Because that's this man. I adored him. He was like a spiritual father to me. His son and I were one great apart same same high school, you know. So I had known him for a really long time and the person he was having an affair with was my mentor on the church staff as well. So it was a. It was a rocking event in my life where it was really one of those like are you depending on, are you relying on, are you worshiping humans or are you worshiping God? And it really I was. I was thankful that it didn't rock my faith. You know, to the point that I lost my faith I realized I was following the Lord and not people. But what it also showed me was that there are people that you would never suspect who were having a sexual problem, who were sexually sinning, who have sexual sin in their lives. And the Holy Spirit has really convicted me in terms of my own story, saying like you have a story to tell and that you know God did a good work in you. He brought you healing and wholeness and you need to start sharing your story.

Crystal Renaud Day:

I didn't know what that would look like. I thought it was just going to be. You know, as it started, it was just a small group in my church of three women, but it has obviously grown into what it is today. It really is a global entity where we have written books. I've spoken on probably a hundred podcasts by now and radio shows, and I was in the New York Times talking about it, and so it's definitely gone beyond what I ever suspected.

Crystal Renaud Day:

My story has reached places I never suspected it would reach. But again, I don't do any of it If I wanted to do it for a fortune and fame. I'm in the wrong business because there might be a little bit of infamy in some fame but there's definitely not fortune in it and if I was doing it for that I should do something else, because this is not going to do it. But it's been 15 years. You know, I started that group in 2007, 16 years actually now and never imagined my story. We get to where it got to, but it has, and I think the Lord for it.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Yeah, we definitely don't do it for monetary reasons, because this does not pay us. No, yeah, yeah, I, yeah, I. You know, really, it is what the Lord is calling us, I believe, to do, and we just are following him in and fulfilling his request. You know what is the commission? What is the great commission? It really is to go and tell others right About this amazing gift that we are given so freely. Really, before we we end this crystal, what is one thing that you would love to leave the listeners with? A word of encouragement, advice, whatever it is that you want.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Yeah, I will speak to just the women who are listening. Men can listen to, but for the women who are listening, I just want to encourage you that, no matter where you are on in your journey of recovery so let's say you're at the beginning of your recovery or you're you're further in like Ruth and I were kind of a non issue most of the time I want you to remember that you have a story to tell. You don't have to tell it in the way that Ruth and I have. You don't have to start a podcast, you don't have to start a ministry, you don't have to write a book, but you have a story to tell. And so I would just encourage you to pray about the opportunity to come forward to you that would give you the chance to share it, Whether it's with one person or a hundred people. I just pray you have the courage to share that and that you would bring hope to somebody who's struggling today. Thank you, Crystal.

Ruth Hovsepian:

I I beautiful way to end it. I will put all the details on how you can connect with Crystal and her and find where you can find her books, where you can find her ministry. I encourage anyone out there that is struggling with pornography and sexual addiction to look up she recovery. There are so many resources on the website. Crystal, thank you so much for being on Out of the Darkness today.

Crystal Renaud Day:

Well, thank you for having me. I really love being with you, thank you. Thank you for joining me to stay connected.

Ruth Hovsepian:

Follow me on Instagram and Facebook. If you like this podcast, can you help me find new listeners by following me on Instagram and Facebook. If you like this podcast, can you help me find new listeners by leaving a rating and review. This small step takes only a moment, but really helps grow the listening audience. So let me thank you in advance. I hope you have a wonderful day and until next time let's continue on our journey as followers of Jesus Christ. I am Ruth Huffseppian.