Out of the Darkness with Ruth Hovsepian

Guiding Our Children in Faith: Decision-Making, Priorities, and Parenting with God with DR RUTH HAN

May 22, 2023 Ruth Hovsepian/Dr Ruth Han Season 1 Episode 20
Out of the Darkness with Ruth Hovsepian
Guiding Our Children in Faith: Decision-Making, Priorities, and Parenting with God with DR RUTH HAN
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

In this episode, we dive into the importance of addressing certain topics with our children at a young age, focusing on decision-making and setting priorities within a family. We discuss the significance of teaching faith-based values to our children and their impact on their development. 

 

We also explore the connection between childhood trauma, faith, parenting, and how establishing a personal relationship with God is key to raising well-adjusted, faith-centered children. Finally, we touch on the controversial topic of sleepovers and the importance of maintaining a parent-child relationship instead of trying to become their best friend. Join us as we share our experiences, insights, and advice on raising children faithfully and passing on our values to the next generation.


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0:00:01
I think we need to address a lot of things when the kids are young. They do do. Absolutely. And in fact, that's a very good point, and that's something I've said where if you believe in the scripture and that is how you want to raise your kids, you should be reading to them the bible, the whole thing, not just like cherry picking and not just doing the studies, but you should be reading them the whole bible when they're young. They can begin to under and they can begin to get a picture of who got us, who he says he is, what that means. And those verses are starting to go into their minds, into their hearts, their planting seeds, so that exactly when they're thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, and you see and then they're, like, fighting you about, like, well, I wanna go out on this on a Sunday. I said, I I understand that. But -- Yeah. -- remember, like, this is why when the Lord says to honor the Sabbath. This is how I've interrupted him. Right? And this is how in my family, in our family, it is going to go forward. I understand you may not choose the same thing, but they are already aware of it. Right? Like they know. They've heard it. Hi. I'm Ruth. How's Sapient? Welcome to the out of the darkness podcast where we help you navigate life's trials based on faith and biblical truths.

0:01:21
Dr. Ruth Hahn is a licensed mental health therapist in Pennsylvania Her strength is working with people to heal childhood trauma, attachment disorder, struggles with internal conflict, and lack of life purpose. She works to get them to a place where they can live a life of peace and be the spouse, parent, family member, and friend they want to be. Life is never perfect. We will all struggle at different points in our lives, but emotional knowledge of our origins gives us clarity and builds resilience and strength. Ruth is a retired children's pastor and retired homeschooling mom. She home schooled her three kids from kindergarten to grade twelve. All three have graduated college and are now hardworking young adults. Ruth has been married for twenty nine years. She and her husband reside in the suburbs of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with their pup Annie. Welcome, Ruth.

0:02:18
I am thrilled to have you join me today on out of the darkness. I've been watching your videos online for a while. And really wanted my listeners to also experience you and, you know, the wisdom that you are giving to us through your social media. So let's start off with you telling us a little bit about yourself and your background. And what you do today? Yeah. Hi, Ruth. Thanks so much for having me on. Lovely name.

0:02:52
So I am a fifty year old. I always consider myself a fifty year old retired homeschooling mom of three. I have three grown adult children. I have been I'm a retired children's pastor. I am now a licensed therapist in the state of Pennsylvania, United States. I practice psychotherapy here. I work with mainly a lot of young adults, couples, moms, mental health therapy, and that's the work I do now. And, yeah, that's that's my focus and that's my passion. And then also making my social media posts.

0:03:29
Let's talk a little bit about children at a young age and some of the things that we should and shouldn't do as parents and advice that you might have on those. And one of the things that is really important to me as a mom of three adult kids is what we should talk about with our children before they had puberty. And how we should help them form their decision making years? I don't. I I try not to, like and I try to stay away from saying, like, you need to do this, you need to do that. Although I know I fail on social media, somebody's always offended by something or other, but only because I do believe that the majority of parents do the best that they can at the time with whatever knowledge that they have.

0:04:20
But the other flipside is that when I work with people, usually there is inner conflict people go through. Like, so for example, with homeschooling, I had so much inner conflict with that. And everybody told me I should not be doing it. I mean, this was back in two thousand, so twenty three years ago, and I didn't have the Internet to be like, oh, going or anything like that. I just had to kind of figure things out on my own. And so in that way, we do the best we can with what we know, but there is also something about listening to the voice of God.

0:04:52
Listening to that feeling that I do believe that God faces within us that we're not even sure, but we have to seek out. Why am I feeling this discomfort? Why am I feeling this uneasiness? Because that is how I felt with homeschooling. And so you know, it's not about doing or don't doing, but if you truly in your heart You want to be the best parent you can be. You have to have your time before the lord. And at times, you have to just sit in the quietness. And say, like, what does it mean for me to be the best parent that I can be to these particular children that God has given to me? And that I think is so much more important because you also have to align up your values and your priorities with these kids. And that will determine what you do and don't do. Right?

0:05:44
Because, like, for example, one of the things with my kids, and I had thought about this when my kids were young, and I began to see the sports culture. Like I said, I did not grow up as a parent with social media or anything like that, which I consider a blessing now. Right? But I didn't have the pressure, but when I see it, when I was younger, the one thing I said was I'm not going to let my kids get involved in a sport at an intensity where on Sundays, they are going to miss church. I'm not going to have that battle. So I plan this way ahead of time so that I was kind of prepared. But this is what the kind of thing if it's that's my priority, especially because I was raising two sons who, Lord willing, they will you know, they wanna get married, have children, I wanted that it's it's a habit. Right?

0:06:32
Sometimes you don't feel like going. I know that I don't feel like going at times, but for me, as a Christian, it's very important. For me to see my friends, the community of believers, to hear the word of God. I love my pastor's preaching. I really do. But It's online and it'll be so easy for me to stay home. But for my sons, I wanted this habit of just get up and go and lead your family and take care of their needs. And so it was very important to me. So therefore, as a parent when they were young, I started not in a, like, slammed the bible over your head, but more like as Christians, this is where we're gonna go. It meant other things like I had to then therefore look for churches that they were happy at, where they had made friends, where they felt that sense of community.

0:07:17
So it, you know, there's two parts to it, but that when you when we talk about, like, what a parent do or don't do, you have to stop and take that time and say, And I always go by the age of thirteen. I think that's one of my things that went kind of viral, that kind of and then people are like, what are you talking about? But parenting, that teaching, that lecturing, that passing on where they're just like, okay, mom. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Sure. That really goes up until around thirteen, and then it stops. Not that we stop parenting our children, but it's a different kind of parenting. Yeah. I I see that too. Yeah. I I I've said that too because I know with my kids, like, I raised raised three of them as well and kind of on the same lines as you.

0:08:05
We have to set an example and I like what you said on the fact that we need to know what our priorities are, where our faith lies, and what's the hill that we're gonna die on on certain subjects. Right? And I agree with you that if we have those in place and may and even set an example with our own life, you know, going to church on Sundays, being part of Church Community, the way we make decisions in life, they will learn how to do that. My example is when my kids were little but girls, I always said, I let them choose what they wanted to do and what to wear. And people look at me like I'm nuts. And I said, within boundaries. So I would say to them, do you wanna go to this birthday party or do you wanna do this outlay? Now both of them were okay by me. And but it made them feel empowered and it taught them to make decisions. Same thing with what they wanted to wear. I bought the clothes within reason with their input, but on Sundays or anytime, I would say, do you wanna wear this? Or do you wanna wear this? Mhmm. And again, they made a choice, but it was within my boundaries and what I would agree with. So, yeah, I totally understand where you're coming. Yeah. On this. Yeah. Good.

0:09:26
Because once they get once they hit adolescence and for some kids, it starts a little earlier than they're a little bit more compliant until after. But when they hit that gross that that development, of coming into a age. And if you think about it, the ancient cultures, like, you know, in the Jewish culture by third team. Yeah. And Amish people, like, they become adults, and I agree with that. They their minds do separate, and that's okay, and that's healthy, and all of that.

0:09:54
So you have to start all these things prior. So that's why it's important for you not to take, you know, for anybody not to take those years for granted. To realize that it is limited. It those ears will fly by faster than you have time to breathe. And so you have to stop think about your priorities, what is important to you, and then make the choices accordingly. And that is what you do versus you don't do. Right? Because even if I may disagree with the particular thing, if for your family, this is how you feel convicted. Then that is what you have to to have peace with.

0:10:32
And that's where with parents, it's it's about I feel like so much of it is do you feel about this? Is this what you want? Right? Like, because until we get to that, like, all of these external you know, do this or do that or rules or attachment and all of this, it it just kinda falls flat because you haven't had time to kinda think things through. And It's it is surprising to me sometimes at people where they haven't thought about those things, and then the kids are teenagers and they're like, whoa, that's not our value. That doesn't and I'm like, did you tell them that? You know, there's fifteen now. Yeah.

0:11:11
But but doesn't that go hand in hand as well with teaching our children the scriptures when they're young and not waiting until later on to suddenly say, oh, but you can't do this because the bible says, this. Yes. And that's I think we under yeah. And I think we underestimate what our children at a young age can comprehend, but everything is hand in hand. Right? You do one thing. It kind of sets you up for the next step.

0:11:44
And, yeah, we need to I think we need to address a lot of things when the kids are young. They do. Absolutely. And in fact, that's a very good point, and that's something I've said where if you believe in the scripture and that is how you want to raise your kids, you should be reading to them the bible, the whole thing, not just like cherry picking and not just doing studies, but you should be reading them the whole bible when they're young. They can begin to understand. They can begin to get a picture of who goddess, who he says, he is. What that means? And those verses have are starting to go into their minds, into their hearts, their planting seeds so that exactly when they're thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, and you see and then they're, like, fighting you about, like, well, I wanna go out on this on a Sunday. I said, I I understand that. But -- Yeah. -- remember, like, this is why when the Lord says, honor the sabbath. This is how I've interrupted it. Right? And this is how in my family, in our family, it is going to go forward. I understand you may not choose the same thing. But they are already aware of it. Right? Like, they know. They've heard it. Yeah.

0:12:50
That's a tough one, though. You know, because I grew up in a household. And I I would never have dreamt of asking my parents to do something on a Sunday. Because from the time I was a baby, that Sunday's were meant to go to church -- Mhmm. -- family time, visitation with church members and other family members. Yeah. That's what our Sunday was. And I remember when my kids were little, something happened and and one of my kids said, Oh, yeah. There was this birthday party, and I said, well, you didn't mention it. Well, mom, it was during church, and I knew you went into coffee. With me to go. But it was interesting, you know? And then when they became teenagers, I would hear them say to their friends. I can come and join after this time because that meant that church was over. We'd had our family lunch, and then they would go. Yeah.

0:13:46
You know, it doesn't guarantee that they will walk the faith or they will -- No. -- always make right decisions. But like you said, they understand where you're coming from and where that that what the foundation is. Right. And they're a family boundary. Yeah. The family boundary. And it's about also as as as parents, like, I accept and I realize that they may not have that same. Right. Boundary when they grow up and have their own household and that's between them and God and and then their future spouse. But in our house, this is the boundary. And you're right.

0:14:20
And because that your your daughter, there's, like, so much less conflict. Right? She did. She's not, like, pulling and then you're like, we don't do that. She's like, what are you talking about? Yeah. I was just like, oh, that's not good. Or you give them mixed messages. Right? You don't go to church to join your friends at branch. Well, then what's the difference if they were to do something as well?

0:14:40
And that is something that's very important, I think, and you know, to to especially for believe for families that are believing families or faith based families, they need to, first of all, as a spouse, spouse's be in agreement. Correct? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. You have to agree. Yeah. On the fundamentals, at least. Right? We're not all made the same. We come from different backgrounds, but at least the the fundamentals, there should be some kind of agreement that you come to?

0:15:12
And how do we how do you see parents that are faith based parents? Let's speak to those parents now that want to set their foundations of their family and they want it to be faith based. How do we teach our children our core beliefs without them kind of like zoning out on us or thinking that maybe we're overdoing things or or even agreeing with each other as husband and wife. How do we do that? Agreeing with each other as husband and wife about the values that you wanna Yes. Yeah. Those and and, you know, people will have conflict. That's for sure. I mean, you're right in the fundamental, like, the foundational, like, for example, my husband and I are both believers. Or, hey, And so we at least have that. So we have the bible to turn to, right, to, like, settle arguments, let's say. Yeah. But then when we did have conflict where, like, it was, like, that is where our and then people go, well, you have to submit your husband. Well, no.

0:16:12
We kept talking about it. Like, say, for example, I will tell you. My husband did not want to homeschool our kids. Mhmm. And he was against it. He he he was actually in seminary for a year.

0:16:25
And this was back again, like I said, in nineteen ninety five. And he's just like, I knew some people in seminary who are homeschooled. They were weird. They never looked at me and all this, and I was like, I get it. I get it. And but and so he it was he felt into that cave. Right? Like, all those things. And I totally understood it.

0:16:46
But the thing is is that he was very busy at work. He understood that he was not as child aware of certain certain things, and that's why he married me. He's like, oh, I just loved how, like, you I did you were a very competent person. You loved kids, and I knew that I could trust my children with you kind of thing. And so when it came to the kids in that, I did have the final say. You see, like and we had this continual, like, contract, communication, and discussion.

0:17:16
And he's thrilled. He's my biggest supporter now. Right? He is so happy with it, and he was recently, like, a year ago, he was, like, did you even notice to that? You know, because -- Mhmm. -- because now it's like he looks at the world today, and the things that are being taught in the American school system is just so troubled. Right. And so now he's like, how did you even know back then? And I'm like, I I don't know. It's just with kids and stuff.

0:17:40
So when it comes to that, but then with kids, when when you have that relationship with your children, when you are a when I say joyous, I'm not talking, like, your Mary Poppins, like, you know, everywhere, but, like, overall, you have peace with the Lord. Right. And you are enjoying your relationship with the Lord. And so I say that because I have a lot of women when they're struggling with depression and things like that, even just sharing, like, I'm struggling right now, but I am getting help. You see, I it gives the children comfort to know that, oh, it's not me. Mom is going through something. It's okay. It has nothing to do with me. She's getting help.

0:18:16
Then then it's like they see their parents grappling with things enjoying the relationship with God. And then through that joy, you pass it on to to the children and it has to start young. You begin to teach them like, you know, God made you and God made me and all of this and it's you know, when they're like two, three and you sing songs and you read the bible to them and you take them to church and it it's those kind of daily living. And then as they get older, and by around, like, three, four, like, we started having conflict with other little kids. Right. And we begin to talk about those things, but in the light of scripture and how God would want us to handle things, how we as a family handle it, things like that.

0:19:01
But your faith is a part of who you are. It's everything. It infuses your life. Mhmm. And that's how the values get passed on. Right?

0:19:12
Because I've seen and why I bring up certain things is that I've seen parents they don't get help for their struggles or they're not working on it. And so then they use the Bible as a battering room or just like This is it. This is it. And there's no enjoyment, and there is this huge disconnect between the two. Yeah. And it turns the kids off, doesn't it? Oh, so much. So most of them it's it either it's very hard for them and they struggle in the faith or they leave the faith.

0:19:40
Altogether. And I get it because I'm like, honestly, if I heard all that, I wouldn't want the money there. And the kid will the child will grow and they will see through it. Like, I have, you know, I have worked with people where they're from fundamentalist backgrounds, even I would say, cultish to Right. And I'm like, yeah. Like, I wouldn't want to be a part of that either the way you've described it and the things you're struggling. So this is why it is so important for people for parents, again, like, when it comes to parenting and, like, what to do or not to do, it really starts with you. Your own relationship with the with the Lord. Your own well-being and your own spiritual health, your mental health, your physical like all of these things we can pass on when we're working on it too.

0:20:23
Yeah, you're speaking directly to me on this one because I grew up in a very fundamental Christian evangelical family, you know, with very strict. It was a strict upbringing, you know. And we, you know, I I knew where my lane was. And whether I agreed with it or not, I followed it. And my parents did the best that they knew how to do it. Now I'm of the child I'm the child that always questioned and had a rebellious streak. Mhmm. So I was fine because I I was living in my with my parents, I knew that I had to follow certain things so I just followed that straight path. Mhmm.

0:21:04
When I got divorced, my the world that I knew it the way it was turned upside down -- Mhmm. -- because everything I believed in or thought I believed in. Right? Hit me the wrong way. You know, the church you know, people were offended by my my divorce or they left the church because of my divorce. And that something in me snapped. Mhmm.

0:21:36
And I acted out. That's the only way I can describe it. So in my thirties, I behaved as a twenty something or, you know, college student who leaves home and suddenly finds freedom. I acted out for the next fifteen years. Unfortunately, those were the formative years of my children. You know, they they were they were sort of anywhere, you know, between two years old. To about seven, eight years old when this started. And I was present for them I never did not use sort of the bible, but with what you said, my actions -- Yeah. -- what I did and how I may have not been aware of what was going on. I saw that as they got older. It's not that they acted out, but just certain things that lie as a mother, you know, see so far. Yeah.

0:22:38
And and that to me was, you know, I I really had a tough time with it when I came back to the Lord and, you know, eight years ago, and I would look back and say to myself, Ruth, if you had done this, if you had done that, if you, you know, if you didn't do this, And I realize that I obviously, I cannot change it. Now I've I've switched to prayer. You know, prayer is my way of doing it, and I really believe in generational praying, but man, did you ever, you know, what you've said really hits home because I believe in that. It's just I was acting out and did not. Yeah. And and we yeah.

0:23:20
But this is the thing though, is that even prior to all of that, this is where the childhood trauma kind of you know, and I know and and I know people like, sometimes people will be like, you know, psychotherapy and psychology has nothing to do with it. For me, God created this world. Right? God created this world. Scripture is an error. It is the word of God.

0:23:42
And then our preachers, our teachers, professors, they illuminate little things. The research that science says they illuminate. The wholeness and who God is. And it's so funny to me whenever I hear like a serious hardcore scientist and they're like the design of the embryo. It's just amazing. I'm like, exactly. Yeah. And do you not let even listen to what you're saying? And and when they go on and on about, like, how this was this like, you know, something the human body was designed and it's just so incredibly made. And I'm, like, exactly, but they're not Christians. Right? Right.

0:24:16
But this is again where for me, the therapy part goes back because we all have things to work through. Yeah. It all starts to come out. It will come out sooner or later. And this is the one thing even you know, even if you're a Christian, you don't believe in mental health and therapy and stuff. I'm telling you. It will come out sooner or later, one way or another, and it does affect your children, and it affects you.

0:24:41
But then This comes back to when I said, it's not about parenting dos or don'ts. It's about you. Right? Like, have you met God on your own. And that's another thing about being raised in a strict religious home is that it's like we have this idol that our parents created in front of us. Maybe our parent is the idol. They are the lead. They are bad. But in the end, if you don't have that relationship with Jesus Christ on your own, on your own two feet, just you and him and absolutely no one else standing in between you. You don't know him yet.

0:25:15
I'm not gonna say My faith was my parents faith. It wasn't my own. Right. It has to be yours. Yeah. Yeah.

0:25:21
And and that's where for me, that was another thing with my kids, like the goals, the priorities, seeing because when I worked with I said, I need to get them to a point where I am at peace releasing them. However, it may happen, but I have to release them because I need to know that they are saved -- Yeah. -- before I die. I said, I need to know this, but Truly, the only way for me to know that it is true is if they have a relationship with God. If it has nothing to do with me, they should even disobey certain things I've said and all that because ultimately I want them to go to God. Yeah. And and ask God what he wants for their life, not what mom wants or dad wants. Yeah. And so that again goes to working through our own traumas, learning our values, our priorities, and yes. Yeah.

0:26:12
I I was I was of that school of thought that Christians in therapy and all of these things just didn't need to happen. It's only in my own journey to sobriety and and coming back to the Lord. Wow. Yeah, I understand it. And and even now with, you know, having this podcast and talking to people so knowledgeable like you where I'm, like, I needed that in my life, you know, back then. And and again, you know, I I think sometimes we think it it will reflect badly on our parents or whatever. And it's not about our parents. It's not about my parents. It's about me I'm wired differently. You know, I'm always told I am, you know. But honestly, I am. You know, I question things. I I need to discover it on my own. And you you hit the nail on the head. This is not my parents faith. This is my own faith. But up until eight years ago, I was following the faith of my grandparents. Yeah. And my parents, you know, and those those that had influence on me. And, okay, granted it's set a foundation but it didn't carry me through the difficult years. Right? Because it wasn't my own my own faith. So -- Yeah. -- I'm Yeah. And that And so that's where I will you know, when you ask about, like, what comparisons do, I'll tell you what my dad did, my dad, and that's where even though like, the one thing with him is, and, you know, we have some theological differences because he's he's really like strict.

0:27:52
But his strictness, this is where I'll tell you. He applies the strictness of his faith to himself and not to other people. You see what I mean? And that's a big difference. And the person if I if you were to meet my dad, the person that you meet. He is the same exact way at home. There is no hypocrisy whatsoever. Right. And the things that he's like telling people, like, you have to do to go he does it. You see what I mean? Like, he has lived his life by those principles. And that's where it is. And, like, and that's what the kids see. And we have to work on it.

0:28:25
And, yeah, now it's like, you know, I'm not my parents are far from perfect, but the one thing you can see in their life is they love God. Personally, have personal relationships with God. No one would doubt that. I would never, you know Amen. If I -- Yeah. -- even if I did ever question my faith, like, it's so obvious in their life that they will love it. And they love it. And they have such peace and they brought that peace into our home. And I'm not saying that, you know, because me and my husband, we fought a lot. But the piece that they had to just keep working, you know, keep at it, to keep going to God. And that has rubbed off on all their children. Yeah. And we're fortunate. You and I are fortunate to have been raised in that kind of an environment. Right? We are. Yeah. Yeah.

0:29:13
If, you know, my parents would disagree. I saw that they were never the kind of parents to hide their disagreements. I mean, they didn't have huge blowouts. I'm I just mean that they if they disagreed, it was there. So I knew that there was no such thing as a perfect marriage. There was always some disagreement. But what a blessing it is to us to have, you know, been raised there.

0:29:38
I, you know, I look at my kids and they have the total opposite upbringing. Right? They they I I was you know, I was divorced for most of their life. My youngest never knew what it was, like, to have a two parent home. She was five months old when we separated. Mhmm. So what you know, like, I see the difference between the way I was raised and my my kids were raised. And but we all have our own childhood traumas. Right? And I know some people some Christians don't like that word.

0:30:09
They don't like using trauma. Right? Within the Christian church, but I believe we do have it. You know? And everybody says, is different. Yeah. We just Yeah. That's actually I always, like, find that funny only because I'm, like, you understand that even just being born into this world is trauma? Like Yeah. But they don't agree with that. Yeah. They don't agree with that. I was like, well, you know, like, Adam and he as soon as they were cast out of the garden, it's like their kids. You see what their kids did, and I'm like, it's traumatic. There's trauma everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.

0:30:48
You know, and and, you know, I I'm on a different path now. And one day, I will be a grandmother and And my prayer now is that I will set an example to my grandchildren one day. Mhmm. And, you know, with generational prayer and just my own lifestyle. And that gives me such joy with. It's just like, it makes me so happy. And I say, Lord, I thank you for a second chance -- Yes. -- to to do that. You know? And And again, in spite of me, God is amazing in the way he he is with our children. You know, we make mistakes. There are no perfect parents. Right? No. But No. No. And keep praying. Keep praying. Yeah.

0:31:36
Answer the prayers of a diligent grandmother. I'll tell you my parents, they pray unceasingly because I look at my family and I'm like, because I have they have four kids. So I have three younger sisters between us. We have sixteen kids. And I'm always like, how is our family thriving the way it has. And only because, like I said, it is only by him to God, by the prayers. They're retired, so they spent all their time praying. Yeah. Amen to that.

0:32:03
I've I too was raised in a home with a generational praying. My grandparents prayed for everyone. That was their task. My grandmother was a prior warrior to the point that my my family, my dad installed a red you know, the dialing phones, the old phone. He he he installed a red phone just for prayers. Because if we tried to get a hold of her, the phone was always busy and we'd say, like, what was happening I was praying, she would say. So we've installed the phone just for prayer. And when we were young and we were at the house, If that phone rang, we knew to zip it, sit quietly, she was praying. She would they didn't even chitchat. Like, they didn't have you know, how so we are there? How you no. It was hello? And they would start praying. That's beautiful. And yeah. Isn't that like, what an example to me? That was, you know, like that generational -- Yeah. -- that's a whole other subject with I can yeah. I can go that is a passion for me now is prayer and intentional prayer, so I'm not gonna go there.

0:33:11
How do we punish our children when they do something that is wrong? Do you do we spark them? Time out? What is some things that we can do as as parents? If I had to pick my most favorite parenting method, okay, that I would say, I would say look up tomato staking.

0:33:35
Okay? And that I believe is the most biblical way of training up a child. It's called tomato staking. There's tons of articles on it. It is about when you have a child who's particularly misbehaving. And again, this if you learn this when they're young, because it's not gonna work with like fourteen, fifteen year old. Right? So it already has to change. But by then, at that point, hopefully, there's been enough of a relationship where you can begin to really negotiate things for better behavior and stuff and a holding of boundaries because thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, you're not gonna be able to spank them. It's just not it it doesn't work like that anymore.

0:34:13
And so when they're young, tomatoes taking, it's so when you have a child that's misbehaving, it is that they lose all privileges and rights and stuff and they stay with the mom or dad whoever's home twenty four seven and they cannot leave your side. And you train them. So then, like, if you have to go into kitchen washes, they have to go with you. But if they wanna go outside and play, and you're okay with that and you've got the time you go outside with them as you're overseeing them and you train them, oh, put the hand down, you know, like, he said this, you say it like that, and you're, like, constantly just training them. And I when I I was just, like, that's exactly like an athlete does. It's practice. Right? And then, like, parents Mussel memory. Mussel memory and just practicing it over and over. And so let's say they have a problem with not saying please thank you. You stop and you're like, you're gonna say, please, say that again, say that again, say that again, and then they what eventually when they give in and they say it. Mhmm. But that is how you really train a better child. Yeah.

0:35:12
Next question I have for you. And this is this is one that I know parents have all diff deferring opinions about, and that is sleepovers. Mhmm. Yeah. Did you see my video on that one? I did. And I loved I loved what you said. I think it's it It's spot on. Yeah. I don't. I I only because sexual DVNC is that just in my opinion in all timeline, I don't wanna be, like, one of those people that I was, like, when I was a kid, but I'm just telling you it's different now. Okay? Yeah. And so I just put a blanket, like, you're not sleeping. My kids are not sleeping anywhere.

0:35:58
What's interesting is my dad never let me either. He never even told me why though, but he did it. And he would let me go to birthday parties that were asleepovers because he'd come pick me up. Like, he would just and looking back, I can't imagine the sacrifice he made because he had to get up at two in the morning for work. Sometimes he puts me up at ten or eleven at night, and he would just do that every single time. And so when I got older and I began to see things and understand things, I realized why he didn't. I couldn't I I appreciated him for the strength that he showed -- Mhmm. -- the sacrifices that he made to let me still have fun, but I was like, you're coming home. And probably, he protected me from things too.

0:36:39
And so with my own kids, I do not to sleep over. I did not do sleepovers. They knew why. They were allowed to have kids here. I would if, you know, if the other parent was fine with it, I'm fine with it, but they did not go other people's houses for sleepovers. And when can they? For me, it became a thing about when they basically, they were grown. I mean, big enough to fight back, big enough to -- Right. -- leave to step out of the house, whatever, you know, just whatever like that. It's about empowering them. And so that is how I ran. Yeah.

0:37:17
And again, this is something that parents have to put into place from a young age. You can't suddenly start saying no when you've allowed your yeah. And it becomes Okay. And and why I say the DVNC is that now with the Internet, you know, like a hundred percent Like, the pornography exposure is starts so incredibly young. And so you have to ask even if, like, the other family is completely wonderful, the parents, whatever, you don't know what kids are seeing these things on the screens. The screens, the movies they see. And, like, I'm just not okay with that. And because of it, I'm just gonna mitigate it after a while you can't control it forever. I get that, but then they're old enough then to make their own decisions and choices, and they know what's right or wrong, but not at the age of, like, eight, nine. Yeah.

0:38:04
Even like I I kind of had the same rule in my home too. Everybody was welcome to come over and stay. And actually, I had taken it a step further. And my kids now look back and they wonder how they even they didn't have the choice was we had one computer in the house. And it sat in the where the family always was sort of between the kitchen and the dining room. And there was no computer access on weekdays. Weekends, I had to be around or someone had to be around. Right. So I restricted it and I and, you know, it wasn't even because I was so smart. It was just my survival instinct. Yeah. I knew that I had to protect my kids. I was alone. I was working crazy hours and my kids, bless them, were good kids. They would call me and say on a Friday night because they knew they could. Mom, I did all my homework, and so and so is here. Can I get on and play my game? Yeah. Honestly, Ruth, I don't know where I how I got so fortunate on my kids, you know, because yeah. So anyway, I agree with you on that too.

0:39:19
And and I want one more question for you. And this one is an important one for me is as a parent, am I parenting them or am I becoming their best friend? Parenting. My my oldest is twenty six. I'm not her best friend. I don't even want to be. Do I love her more than anything? I would do anything to her. But I maybe I'm more old fashioned, like, a Facebook friend that's just weird to me. Like, they're not your friend kind of thing. And so friend means an equal peer or somebody where you're an equal peer with like an interest or something. Because I can have someone who's much younger, older, like a therapist, friends who are maybe twenty some years younger than me. But with my children, no. Because there's a difference. Okay? There's a level of sacrifice that comes from me to her. There is a level of honoring And even now, they when they ask my opinion or something, they want to really know because it's gonna mean something to them as they make decisions like where should I live next or whatever apartment, And so if you're talking, like, I'm gonna go out with my kids, like, you know, to a bar -- Yeah.

0:40:30
-- like my kids aren't you know, they don't do it, but, like, you know, just something like that. Like, no. I don't even I don't even enjoy the kind of activities they enjoy, like -- Yeah. -- rock climbing, or going to a music concert. I don't even like that stuff. So Yeah. I'm with you on that. I I pick and choose, like, my oldest is thirty one. And we I'm I'm very blessed where we have a very good relationship. And, you know, they'll talk to me about everything and anything. But I was I was never their best friend. To me, it it kind of muddies the water when you start being a parent or try to be apparent at that point. So Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a very important thing.

0:41:11
What is one a piece of advice or a takeaway that you hope that the listeners today take from our conversation. That god loves you. He wants you to live a life of peace and joy And if you are struggling, it's okay to seek help. And it is hard to seek help for sure. Sometimes you don't connect with a person, another person, you know, their value system might be different, but it's that's okay too, but you have to keep looking. Just like how you go to a doctor, and if you don't agree, you get a second opinion or a third opinion, you ask how much your friends, you read a book, and that is what you can do. But in order to be the best parent that you can be so that when you are old, you don't look back at your parenting years with regret, or I wish I did this different to get help of whatever kind of like seek help and just keep seeking and you can do it. And then that's going to help you. To live you see, like, if you live in regret, that's just the saddest thing for me, for people. Mhmm. And I get it, like, we can't prevent all of it. But if there are things that you can do now to prevent future regret, do it. Amen.

0:42:33
Ruth, I want to thank you so much for joining me today and sharing your story, your wisdom, and your knowledge with my out of the darkness. Listeners, to my friends who are listening, check out the show notes, on how to connect with Dr. Rudolf Han, and please subscribe and share to grow our community. Thank you, Ruth. Thanks so much. Thank you for joining me to stay connected follow me on Instagram and Facebook. If you like this podcast, can you help me find new listeners by leaving a rating and review. This small step takes only a moment, but really helps grow the listening audience. So let me thank you in advance. I hope you have a wonderful day and until next time. Let's continue on our journey as followers of Jesus Christ. I am Ruth Hovsepian.

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Raising Children Faithfully
Passing on Faith-Based Value to Children
Childhood Trauma, Generational Faith
Parenting vs Becoming Friends