Domestic Violence Why Women Don’t Leave with SARAH ALLMAN

On today’s episode, my guest Sarah Allman, is a domestic violence survivor who fled Oahu, Hawaii, and found refuge in the plains of Colorado. She left the island with a suitcase full of clothes, a toddler on her hip, and a baby in her belly. And the rest? She left it all behind. Sarah now helps women dare to dream again and hide their broken hearts in the One who created them.

 
Chapters:

 0:00:00 - Navigating Difficult Choices in Domestic Violence

0:14:47 - Identifying Abusive Relationships

0:22:19 - Healing After Abuse

Chapter Summaries:

(0:00:00) - Navigating Difficult Choices in Domestic Violence 

Out of the Darkness is a podcast focused on helping people navigate life's trials based on faith and difficult truths. The episode features Sarah Almond, a survivor of domestic violence who fled across the Big Ocean with her toddler and a baby in her womb. Sarah shares her story of leaving an abusive relationship and how she courageously did so. She notes that not courage motivated her, but fear for her children and a message from God that He would take her to a place where her abuser could not follow.

(0:14:47) - Identifying Abusive Relationships 

Safety plans, women's shelters, and family members are all great resources for those in unsafe relationships. It is important to remember that love can still be there despite hurt or abuse and to be aware of what is being said. Abuse is not just physical but also spiritual and emotional and can be identified by the loss of identity and self. Even when in love, one must take precautions and reach out for help when necessary

(0:22:19) - Healing After Abuse 

In this conversation, the topic of leaving an abusive relationship was discussed. It was highlighted that it is important to remember that one can find strength and reassurance through a relationship with God. It was discussed that to move on from a past relationship; one must look for the good moments of strength and perseverance and reframe their perspective. It was also discussed that before entering a new relationship, one must heal from the hurt of the past and build a strong relationship with God.

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Transcript

0:00:00
Even in our Christian culture. I think there's a lot of things that kind of breed abusers And so, you know, when we are telling people to be quiet and sit down and just take it and submit more what we are doing is we're making them fall prey to people who are looking for someone just like that, quiet and submissive. Now I'm not saying that there's not a time to, you know, hold your tongue or be patient, but I don't think that it that it's a rule of thumb all the time. Hi. I'm Ruth Hovsepian. Welcome to the out of the darkness podcast where we help you navigate life's trials based on faith and difficult truths. Today, my guest is Sarah Allman, a survivor of domestic violence who fled across the of Big Ocean with her toddler and a baby in her womb and a suitcase full of clothes. She left everything else behind. Sarah now helps women dare to dream again and hide their broken hearts in the one who created them. Welcome Sarah Thank you so much for joining me today on out of the darkness. Tell us a little bit about your journey from an abusive and violent relationship on a remote island to where you are now. K. So it it has been quite the journey.

0:01:35
You know, if you were to spend just a couple minutes talking to my parents, they would tell you that growing up, I was an opinionated and vocal little girl. And I did I was not scared of, you know, of a fight or I was not afraid to stand up for anything that I felt was was wrong. But in my teens, I met someone who I I fell deeply in love with and right out of high school. I got married and he joined the military and that is the reason we moved to Hawaii. And -- Mhmm. -- you know, during his training, there was some marital problems. We were spending a lot of time away from each other. And so I thought that this was really just, you know, the distance and, you know, not having good communication. We both were really, really young. And but when I arrived in Hawaii, things only got worse. And so when I when I was there, I had also brought along my my three month old little boy. And it was so exciting. I mean, Hawaii is like a culture shock.

0:02:54
I live in Colorado. I grew up in Colorado. And so There's not much tropical about it. There's a lot of farmland in Memphis, but, you know, I I would describe Colorado as is pretty average. So going to Hawaii and, you know, just the tropical climate, it was so much different. Than what I what I was used to. And so we had a lot of lot of things to adjust to.

0:03:27
Getting used to being back together, you know, we were a young married couple with a little baby now. And things just continue to get worse and worse. But I was I was devoted and I was so sure that I was going to make this marriage work. And I kinda got conflicting advice from people around me. The people on my side of the family were like, you know, Sarah, you don't have to live life this way. We want you to be safe and cared for. And, you know, his side of the family was like, well, the reason you guys are having marital problems like this is because there is just not a submissive wife. Well, that was further the furthest thing from the to from the truth. I had endured financial abuse emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and mental abuse for my husband. And I was a stay at home mom, and we we were there for about two years.

0:04:32
And you know, he would go to work and it would just be my son and I at home and we started taking, you know, small trips around the island just kinda trying to gain a little bit of peace, you know, from my everyday life. And in the northern part of the island, there was a farm. And they had LongHorn cattle there. And so, you know, I was kind of the weird one. Everybody visiting Hawaii came and they were all looking at the beach and the waves and the sunset, but I was, you know, looking at the looking at the cows and It just kinda qualms this homesickness that I felt and this just turmoil of the, what my marriage was like and what my life was like now. You know, moving to Hawaii, I was thinking, wow, this is gonna be, you know, a great step in our marriage and everything is gonna be great and it's all gonna work out, but it didn't. And so he went away for some training, and he was gone for a couple of months. And I was at at our home on base with our our baby.

0:05:44
And at this time or yeah. At this point in time, I was pregnant with our second child. And I was listening to Caleb and the song came on. My deliverer is coming. My deliverer is standing by. And that's a pretty old song, but I just kind of stopped and I was carrying a basket of laundry at stairs, and I just called out to God. And I was like, God, are you gonna save me too? Like, would you actually save me from a marriage and or is this something that you want me to stay in forever? And I kind of forgot about that that prayer that I had that day. But then a few weeks later, I felt him tell god tell me. I'm gonna take you to a place that he is not gonna be able to follow you. And so that has just you know, that hearing God's voice was just something that I had to cling onto.

0:06:51
Because I was about to make a really big decision to leave Hawaii. And I I left with my toddler, and I was pregnant at the time, and we took one suitcase full of clothes. And we made the truck all the way back to Colorado. And my parents took us in, and I started the process of going through a divorce. And it is kind of neat because in my redemption story. You know, it didn't all end in Hawaii, and it didn't all end with my divorce. But God also had a redemption story for me. And I met a man, and his name is Andrew. And we, you know, dated after my divorce. And it turned out that he ended up having cows. And so to me, it was just so interesting that this very thing that kept me, you know, kind of hopeful in Hawaii and kind of gave me a sense of just kind of being grounded again or kind of ease my pain. Is now something that, you know, I walk outside and I look out my back door and we have cows. And so So it's just been been a beautiful redemption story, really hard journey, but How how did you find that courage to lead that relationship especially when you're getting such conflicting advice.

0:08:28
Where did you get that courage from? Oh, goodness. I wish I could say that courage was my motivator because it it sounds brave from the outside. Like, wow, you were in Hawaii and that's like a really long trip back to Colorado and being pregnant and with the toddler, but it really wasn't courage that helped me to leave. It was few. And there was a couple of times where I had to leave my house with my toddler and I knew that having a newborn baby, there was gonna be a day where I was going to have to leave one of them behind.

0:09:07
And how how does a mom pick? How do you pick which child you take and which child you leave? And so I was like, oh my goodness. What am I doing? I can't do this. I can't be put in that situation to choose between my kids. And so that was a huge mit motivating factor in, you know, making them in this decision to, you know, just finalize that and make my decision to leave? Yeah. I'm sure it's difficult as a mother. You know, you wanna protect your children. You wanna do what's best for them.

0:09:44
And I know that many times, I've spoken to women who who do not leave. Or don't take that step for their children, or they they believe that it's the right decision. They're afraid of leaving. What what was it that you knew that you had the strength to take your children? And to to go back home, was it your your faith in God and the message that you had received from him? Yes. Yeah. Because fear was part of it, but also, you know, God had told me, I'm gonna take you to a place where he can't follow. And so I'm like, cool. I'm gonna go back to Colorado and he's gonna stay in Hawaii and everything's gonna be great. That is not. Not at all what god meant, you know.

0:10:36
I was on when I came back home, my mother got me in touch with someone from her cast who is kind of a family friend over the years. And she -- Mhmm. Just the sweetest southern woman you will ever meet, but she also helped council women in domestic violence for, like, twenty or thirty years. And so she was retired, but she took me under her wing and just you know, helped me through all of that. And I realized, with talking to her, I realized that God meant when he said, I'm gonna take you to a place where he can't follow you. God meant that I was going to learn to hide myself in his part. It wasn't this physical place. And -- Yeah. -- so, yeah, I was able to spend summer at her on her farm. And she was getting, you know, remodeling the second house that they have. And they were their plan was to turn it into a bed and breakfast. And so I was able to stay there with them for an entire summer and she just counseled me and just coached me like what it was like going through the court.

0:12:00
Family port system and all of the things that I that I had endured and how to really trust god through the whole process. I accepted Jesus as my savior as a really, really small child. I think I was like five or six years old. But there wasn't a relationship and there was not, like, a complete surrender on my part until this happened because I I was at complete rock bottom, you know. And I was also being pursued by somebody who I knew exactly what he was capable of because I had seen it time and time again, but it was through this that I learned, oh, this is a relationship. This is not just so, you know, God's way over there and I'm way over here and, you know, yeah, he hear my prayers. Like, he is involved in every little detail of our lives.

0:12:57
It's interesting that you said the, you know, you had to hit rock bottom to rebuild your relationship with him. And it seems to be an underlying theme, as I'm speaking with people who have, you know, our survivors of some kind of abuse or, you know, relationship abuse. Such it's always that underlying piece that you know, we have to hit rock bottom almost, especially those of us I think that have grown up with it, you know, with you know, either being in a church or we made, you know, childhood decisions. I think we take it for granted. Right? We we take for granted what we know and our relationship. And it's only when we hit and we hit hard. Right? Because we're we're unexpected, you know, it's not unexpected thing that we we turn back to the Lord and say, I'm here. You know, please. I I need your help.

0:13:58
Let me ask you a couple of questions in regards to if someone came to you and said, you know, I'm I'm in this difficult situation, I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm afraid for my children, but if I leave -- Mhmm. -- I don't know where to go. What to do, how to survive. You know that all those fears that cross your mind in a situation like that what is some advice that you would give that person? Oh, goodness. Well, I would first say that I think it's a huge step in the right direction that you're even able to see the struggles that you're going through. Yeah.

0:14:47
And people really like to have it all figured out. We really like to know, like, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this next, and then that's gonna be the next step. And I'm gonna end up over here at point a where I feel comfortable, but I think that you know, the first thing needs to be safety. And so a safety plan is something you can put in place if you are in an unsaid relationship, whether this is like a boyfriend or a girlfriend or, you know, husband or a wife, And that is making sure that you have, like, an extra an extra set of clothes that you take to work or important documents or at a friend's house. And then when you do make the decision to believe they're are women's shelters. And I think, you know, even just reaching out to family and friends. I think in situations like this, you would be surprised. How many people would be willing to to help you through it? Yeah, I think that's a key point. Right?

0:16:05
We sometimes think that this is a shame that we have to bear alone or deal with on our own because we just don't want to to put that burden on the rest of the family. Have you ever doubted did you not have you now, but did you ever doubt your decision to leave when you first did. So I did doubt my decision to leave before I told him my ex husband that I wanted a divorce. Because, you know, he was real sweet. He told me all of the things that I wanted to hear and was willing to make all of the changes And I wanted to be certain that those changes were lasting. And, you know, with the help of the counselor that I was working gain at the time with at the time, I told him that, you know, I in order for me to come back or to stay in the marriage, I really needed him to get somehow. And I wanted him to get counseled for domestic violence. And that was kind of the breaking point in any chance that we had of getting back together because he was like, you know, The only reason you want me to go to domestic violence counseling is because you wanna be able to, you know, use that as leverage in the court. And I was like, well, there wasn't a court case open yet, and I really just wanted to make sure that the kids and I were safe. And so that was a pretty big answer for me. You know, there wasn't there wasn't a willingness for change. Yeah.

0:17:54
I think I think we have to be aware of what is being said. I think we need to step away sometimes of our hurt and our emotions because, you know, it is a marriage. You you married him because you love him. Right? You had children with this man and it it doesn't, you know, it doesn't matter all the hurt or abuse. I think that love is still there. And I think many times, I know women who can't leave because they're so in love with their spouse. And they just can't walk away from that relationship.

0:18:35
But do you how do you feel about the comment that If you're a believer -- Mhmm. -- there is no such thing as abuse in a marriage. Whether it's emotional or physical. Right? Because physical is something that we can identify. But what about the emotional and spiritual abuse that sometimes happens. So let's address the first part. Do believers? Do Christians ever find themselves? In abusive relationships? Absolutely.

0:19:11
And, you know, I think that even in Christian culture I think there's a lot of things that kind of breed abusers. And so, you know, when we are telling people to be and sit down and just take it and submit more. What we are doing is we're making them fall prey to people who are looking for someone just like that, quiet and submissive. Now I'm not saying that there's not a time to, you know, hold your tongue or be patient. But I don't think that it's that it's a rule of thumb all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

0:19:52
I think as family, we need to be aware, you know, like, I have children, you know, that have gotten married and, you know, there's they're married couples. I think also that if there's a suspicion. I mean, a real suspicion not because we don't like, you know, the person that someone is married to, you know, that's a whole other conversation. But no. But really, you know, for the safety of the people that we know. I think we need we need to be open to it. And I know that I never had thought about abuse in Christian marriages ever until, you know, way down the line, you know, when I started to speak to other women. And I I found myself, wow. You know, how does how does that happen, right, as as Christians, but we don't know what the heart is about.

0:20:49
What about the difference between emotional and spiritual and physical abuse? How how do you identify that? How does someone identify if they are in that type of an abusive relationship? So I think the biggest sign of if someone is in an abusive relationship is the loss of identity and the loss of self. You know, abuse, abuse really is just the attempt of making someone cease to exist. And anytime we see something like that. You know, maybe they're really quiet, really shy. Don't speak up. But I think it's even more than that. I think it's more that, you know, I don't know, someone who kind of is just a shell of a person. They've shut down all of their emotions to try to survive this life that they're living. And it really is for the best reasons because we all want to survive. And so, you know, that it's something that that's gonna help them get through every day, but just kind of looking -- Mhmm. -- looking on the outside. That's great advice.

0:22:19
What are some of the things that you learned from leaving your abusive relationship. Some of the things that I learned from leaving an abusive relationship was that I did have a voice, you know, growing up my family, said that I was, you know, this funky little thing and I was vocal and kinda mouthy. And I lost that. And so during my marriage, and so I had to learn to get that back. And it was really hard. But I think we don't give ourselves enough credit for the way we are able to just persevere especially Christian women who have got on their side and they can just cling to him for the love that they need and just the reassurance and his strength because he really is the only one that can make things right. Yeah. Amen to that. You know, we need to lean into him. Whatever our situation is. I mean, not every divorce is because of abuse, but I think we need to learn into him. Right? He he's he's our heavenly father and we need to we need to build that relationship where we can go to him, you know, and ask for that that that shelter, that that feeling of safety in his presence Here's a question that I had to deal with, and that is feeling guilty.

0:24:01
Or beating yourself up over what people will say was a mistake to marry someone or getting divorced. How do you stop that guilt, you know, of feeling I messed up. I I failed. I think just looking for other things that you've succeeded in. You know, we can think like, wow, I have a failed marriage or I married the wrong person, so I am a failure. But that's not the whole story or you could give yourself a different perspective. You may have been through card things in that marriage, but maybe you were strong because you were stepping out in faith that God is going to be you know, your husband now and your provider and, you know, fill in the gap where your husband was So I think really just changing that perspective because we can we can dwell on things all the time.

0:25:06
And I think that can be a good thing. You know, that's our brain's way of, like, trying to figure things out -- Mhmm. -- because our brain does not like the unknown and our brain wants to keep us safe, but just finding the little gold nuggets here and there because they're there. They're there. You're just not used to looking for them. How do you know that you are ready to get into a new relationship? Or to get remarried? I think that you know that your ready to get in a new relationship again when you don't care when that's not the thing you care about the most.

0:25:48
Like, when you leave somebody and you're you know, you go through divorce, there's a lot of healing that you know, comes into play. And so, you know, at least staying single for the duration that you were married, making sure that you get felt. But most importantly, that you rebuild that relationship with God and you know, let him be that center stage of your life. And then then it's okay because you don't want to get into the into another bad relationship with which does happen sometimes where women get divorced and then they sometimes end up someone worse. But I totally understand the desire because you're used to someone being there. You're used to coming home you know, having that income someone that, you know, maybe helps in the kitchen a little bit here and there or just having someone you miss that. So that can be very very Yeah. That's that that's good advice. Yeah. That's great advice because you know, I I I too believe that you need to wait a good time.

0:27:00
Yeah. And everyone's is different, but you need to have that time, first of all, to to get through the mess of the divorce. Then you're you're so focused in on the divorce, right, that you can't rebuild yourself, whether it's spiritually or emotionally or even healing physically. Then you have oh my gosh, I'm divorced. How do I do? What do I do? Again, I don't think that at that point, right, you you're ready especially when you have to I have three as a single mom and it was survival mode for a while. Right? And I I It's like, how do you start a relationship when you're you've got little kids to to look at? And then you're right when you said that you need to forget about that relationship and not constantly be fixated on that to be able to move on to, yeah, a healthy relationship and and and build that relationship. What is one word of encouragement that you can share with the listeners today? Well, actually, I have two small pieces of advice. I'd like to share them both.

0:28:23
So so the first one that the southern woman told me was, Sarah, you were gonna have to get as strong and as wise as you can and learn to lean on god -- Mhmm. -- his wisdom and strength. And the second thing that I really struggled with was, you know, because I went through that back and forth of you know, I love him. How can I leave? And she just looked me in the eye one day and told me, Sarah, you do not love him because of the good that is in his heart. You love him because of the good that is in yours. And I was just like, oh, wow. Wow. Pretty powerful. And that was something where, you know, whenever I had those feelings come up where I missed him or you know, I had to grieve that marriage, and I had to grieve our lifestyle and what I thought our future was gonna look like. But it wasn't because of what was in his heart. It was because of what was in mind, and I think that's true for all of us in situations like this. What amazing advice that you got? What what a god sent woman that that came into your into your life. That is that is just awesome. I'm I I I'm so happy that you had that what is one thing that you would like to tell us today? Something that maybe I didn't ask queue or whatever it may be.

0:30:03
So if you are someone listening to this who is in and abusive relationship. You were not being treated well and you were not safe. Just start talking to God. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't even have to leave if you don't want to. But just start connecting with God again. And if you're somebody who loves someone who is in a really dangerous situation, Don't give them advice. Don't try to help them figure things out. Just be there for them in whatever decision they make and just stay connected to them because you don't really know when they're gonna reach out or when that text message or phone call is going to come through.

0:30:51
Thank you so much, Sarah, for joining me today and sharing your story. And and you're happy ending. I'm so glad to hear about that. And friends, if you want to hear more about Sarah and connect with her, just check the show notes for all of that information. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you. Thank you for joining me. To stay connected, follow me on Instagram and Facebook. If you like this podcast, can you help me find new listeners by leaving a rating and review? This small step takes only a moment. But really helps grow the listening audience. So let me thank you in advance. I hope you have a wonderful day and until next time. Let's continue on our journey as followers of Jesus Christ. I am Ruth Hovsepian.